Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*

Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it

Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers

Burger King ~ you want cheese on that

Me ~ yes please

Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75

Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.

Me: We are underbudget this month!

Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*

experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public

– young children

Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.

Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.

Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.

Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?

CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive