Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*

Go little guy, you’re free now.

“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”

“Yes”

“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!

Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.

Boss: You’re doing a great job.

me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories

also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!

IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.

Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.

It’s freedom of expression.

Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?