Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

me: my new book is fantastic

friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?

me: you can’t color it in twice

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”

“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter

*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

Me: Those shoes are fresh!

12: Mom. No.

Me: Don’t be whack.

Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor