Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.

“my eye is up here”

-Illuminati pyramid

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.

pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms

I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.

Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.

Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid

Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity

adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

[1st date]

date: you have any hobbies?

me: i collect old comics

date: oh like first editions?

me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.