Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok

[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

Me: *walking in front of husband at store*

Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”

Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]

Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.