I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
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him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
I have many caverns
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.