Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”

“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.

Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …

CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.

ME: Oh no.

If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.

me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’

Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant

Passport photographer: No

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.