Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.

My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

Boss: you look a bit lost

Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you

Boss: About what

Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening

Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!

2022: *Somehow already on fire*

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!

Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.

king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.