I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
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[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!