I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
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Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
these two trucks have the same bed length
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///