I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
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[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”