I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
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If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??