Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.

Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.

Me: Where do you want to eat?

Her: Wherever you pick is fine.

Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

I don’t know what to do

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.