I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
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Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.