I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
You Might Also Like
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.