I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
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Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.