I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
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Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Born to be mild.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*