I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
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A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it