I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
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soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Become ungovernable.
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How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
The best shot in the history of golf
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.
Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
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Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression