Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…

*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.

Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.

Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

nobody:

4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.

What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER

DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .