3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
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Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol