Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Proof that kids sometimes listen…

5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?

Me: I’m dressed

5: Those look like pajamas

Me:

5: Did you brush your teeth?

Me: Yes

5: Let me smell

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up

I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.

12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric

All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…

my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.

i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.