Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You are what you delete.

My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians

Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.

overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today

Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.

mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at

I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

My therapist after every session

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.