Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not now. I’m deglazing.

Stop making fast and furious movies.

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down

Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.

He spends all day chilling in the water.

His life is one big pool party.

[at a restaurant]

me: do you have a box I can put this in

waiter: the… the child?

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.

Me: Wanna bet?

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

Customer: where might I find chicken livers?

Me: on the inside

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH

HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it

Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day

Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?

Me: How dare you

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night

Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”

Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday