I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
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People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
wait.
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.