Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A sick whale is called an unwhale

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.

It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

[interrogation]

ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?

her: sure!

[later]

her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be

me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean

BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby

ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”