Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms

What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.

*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”

A friend helps you before you need it

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor