Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”

Me: *cutting fingernails*

Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes

[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.

Last-minute gift idea!

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.

i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity

Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.

Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.

My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling

Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*

Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men