I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
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Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
I camp so other people don’t have to.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
