Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins

Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

Christian: You need Jesus in your life

Me: But I can’t find him

Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*

School be like

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.

What I heard: Ma’am

Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.

Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.