Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂

Camel dough

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

*A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?

Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point