I find it very sad how Wile E. Coyote is only remembered for his failures, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
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In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”