I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
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Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.