I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
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[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
i wish i could marry a nap
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no