I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
You Might Also Like
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
🙁
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
This is so wrong 😂
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.