I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
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“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no