I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
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If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
British people
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”