I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
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I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.