I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
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There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.