I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
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Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…