Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.

I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.

Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

OMG 🤣🤣

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

This is sending me to another galaxy

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation

Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday

Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.

Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.