I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
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P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
New tinder profile pic
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Headlines With Threatening Auras.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
