Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.

I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.

I mean, why knot?

#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

People: we are overfishing the sea

McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller

People: nonononono

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury

Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?

Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets

Don’t snitch tag.

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose.

If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.

rest in peas

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright

Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?

Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?

Me: Ice cream

(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!

My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:

Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.

Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.

For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.

Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does