Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.

God, I love Scotland

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.

replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

I once made a mistake with plurals.

It was an amazing feet.

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis

I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!