I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
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Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Previously On Persistence 😎
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
*jazz hands*
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.