Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.

You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?

What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.

someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling

🙀🙀🙀😹

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?

The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude

I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married