I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
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what is cheese if not milk persevering
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.