I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
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My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.