Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out

The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.

6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge

me: what is it

6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday

me: how are you going to do that

6yo:

me:

6yo: no idea

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”

Me: “Free.”

Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”

Me: “Thanks!”

*drives away quickly*

Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?

Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired

handsome & gretel

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.