Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

Washing machine doesn’t give a shit

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh

I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed

Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?