I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
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My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Basically.
tag yourself
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
All excellent questions
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Haha good job!!
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*