I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
You Might Also Like
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe