I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
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I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.