I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
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Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Tapped in
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.