I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
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If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*