Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

saving face 👀

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.

Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

First date idea: we take your cat to the dog park.

How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

To do list:

1) Kill the fly in my room.

2) Try to snort multivitamins.

3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.

4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.

GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.

ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*

GENIE: DAMMIT

Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.

Got the results of my history exam.

Past.

Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.