I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
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Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
husband: help me choose a baby name.
me: ok, but shouldn’t we go with an adult one?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
We’ve all been there
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
