Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in

if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies

The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.

Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.

#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist

Okay

Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.

Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.

Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.

Me: I stand by what I said.

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.

Ok, I’ll bite

What’s an ab?

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.

Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

my mind

You just read my mind