Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

Me: You can’t fire me!

My circus boss: Just get in the cannon

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with

Him: You’re married?

Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.

Him: What about on Friday?

Me: Depends how Thursday goes.

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

walmart: why do u want to work here?

me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me

walmart: why would u tell us that

me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust

When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

The booster protects against what, now?

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.

My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question

Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

“Failure is how you grow.”

– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote

It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution