Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days

911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?

Me: Bank robbery

Therapist: That’s not a crime

Me: I’m out of ideas

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression

Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-

Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.

Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships

real

I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]

A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-

Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up

just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD

[High School Reunion]

Me: Those were the days, right?

Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.