*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
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[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too