I finished 3 books today, and believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
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There is no “i” in “stupid.”
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Them: How can you hate someone you’ve never met?
Me: Oh. I can read.
Neighbor: do you smell something outside?
Me: it’s the horses.
Neighbor: it smells like marijuana.
Me: they’re high. high horses.
Him: Favorite animal?
Her: A cross between a panda and beaver because I am lazy but love wood.
Pizza will never tell you you’re fat unless you’re high as shit, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.