I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I finished 3 books today, and believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
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Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Dentist: have you been flossing?
[ flashback to me picking steak out of my teeth with a potato chip earlier ]
If everyone drove their cars as carefully as they scrolled through their exes Instagram photos the world would be a better place to live.
I visited you every day in hospital when you were in a coma.
They gave me free wifi & coffee, It was the best 2 months of our married life
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!