@chefelicious

I finished 3 books today, and believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

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@threetimedaddy

How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?

@daemonic3

[1st date]

date: you have any hobbies?

me: i collect old comics

date: oh like first editions?

me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure

@DrakeGatsby

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok

@panmidwest

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

@MsSkarsgaard

Them: How can you hate someone you’ve never met?

Me: Oh. I can read.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[text]
Neighbor: do you smell something outside?
Me: it’s the horses.
Neighbor: it smells like marijuana.
Me: they’re high. high horses.

@Queen_Sassy_AF

*first date*

Him: Favorite animal?

Her: Panaver

Him: Huh?

Her: A cross between a panda and beaver because I am lazy but love wood.

@DaHess1

Pizza will never tell you you’re fat unless you’re high as shit, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.