I finished 3 books today, and believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

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I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday


Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*


I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed


Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.


*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*


Dentist: have you been flossing?

[ flashback to me picking steak out of my teeth with a potato chip earlier ]

Me: yes


If everyone drove their cars as carefully as they scrolled through their exes Instagram photos the world would be a better place to live.


I visited you every day in hospital when you were in a coma.

They gave me free wifi & coffee, It was the best 2 months of our married life