I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
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If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
This anagram machine is out of order.
New comic up. “Ransom”
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I need to update my racial profile.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
The chart results are in…
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea