Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

*listening to music at the beach*

6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?

Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.

6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.

Me: That is correct, yes.

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

U U U U U U

An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.

If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you

4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!

*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

When someone trying to leave me

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken