Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

bout dat hot dog summer

I think they could have phrased this better

Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?

Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.

Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..

What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)

Wife: have you registered here before?

Matrix: idk, put my email in.

(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢

sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you

the good: nice

the bad: cool

me: what’s it called?

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

“That was supposed to be a compliment.”

-Men

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

*peeing*

I should get outta bed now, I guess.

I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.