Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This could’ve been an email.

long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board

Me: I have a PhD in mathematics

Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack

Me: *nodding* that makes two

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

some cats are just doing for fun!

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

the zen of frog

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin

store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?

(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂

Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”

Fight

Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.

Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything

I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag

Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?

Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

Me, scrolling to find my birth year

My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job