I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
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My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
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If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
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Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.