Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.

Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?

“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

911 what’s your emergency?

Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me

911: How is that an emergency?

Me: It’s attached to her gun

kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it

Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?

Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear

“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

What do we want?

Decisiveness!

When do we want it?

Ummm…

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it