I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
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“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
🤯🤯🤯
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.