Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.

Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.

Everyone else at speed dating:

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?

Me: Are you going to test me?

Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-

Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:

“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.

Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*

Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):

– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!

baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.