I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
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When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Weighing up my bread heating options
“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.