I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
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On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
me when the borders lift
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.