Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.

me: i’m sorry

gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?

me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas

gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy

me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.

*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.

Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.

Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*