I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
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WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
I’d use my best pan on you.
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
This makes total sense…
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes