Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

I feel this so hard

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

there will never be a funnier headline than this one

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

pat pat

cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

[on the club dancefloor]

DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED

ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR

WHAT SIGN IS SHE

“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”

I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.