I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
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Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.
Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE