Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.

I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ

the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.

ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]

Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?

Me: Never ask about my art

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.

I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..

Now I just smell like shit

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”

My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

Me: Where were you supposed to poop?

2-year-old: The potty.

Me: So why didn’t you?

2: I’m too busy.

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.