Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.

Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

the only organized thing in my life is crime

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?